1. The politically dubious (he seemed so nice on his dating profile…)
He hasn’t got swastikas tattooed on his scalp but he’s a man of conviction and says things like ‘By God this country has gone to the dogs’ and ‘By God those men over there aren’t holding hands are they?? THEY ARE’ and ‘Can’t we round up all the immigrants and either force them to integrate or deport them?’
Not one you can bring to dinner parties, or any other social event. Tell him your great-grandmother is Romanian and watch him melt away like Putin at a Gay Pride rally.
2. The sex addict
The positives are obvious, but the negatives? The exhaustion, darling. Oh and none of your housemates can look you in the eye because your new bedfellow is LOUD.
3. The bad boy
If you’re immune to this specimen, all the better. If not, get it out of the way early, like, in your teens.
There’s a reason you don’t get many women over 30 still whimpering ‘but I just love a bad boy’ – most of us have a limit to how much crap we’re prepared to take, and most of us hit it by our mid-20s.
4. The vacuous ‘too attractive for her own good’ girl
She never messages you back, looks bored on dates and is generally a bit of an arse. Have pity – she’s never had to develop the social basics thanks to a lifetime of people queuing up to tell her she’s perfect JUST AS SHE IS.
Worship her beauty for a while, then when she inevitably dumps you for number three in this list, find someone you can actually have a proper chat with (as someone really clever once said, beauty and everything else is transitory).
5. The fitness obsessive
Not the ‘relatively fit but won’t say no to a drink’ one. The ‘sleeps standing up to burn more calories, yaks your head off about protein supplements, regularly asks you to feel his quads’ one.
Or alternatively, the female fitty: unfeasibly perky yoga and aerobics-obsessed lycra enthusiast, wafting wholesome, sweet-smelling sweat from her expensive hair extensions at all times.
Nice to date for a while but ultimately your toxic unfitness will drive them away, or else you’ll get sick of them trying to convert you.
6. The irreversibly emotionally damaged
Depending on the level and severity of emotional damage, this one might be a keeper. But if she/he is still crying over their ex, has clear daddy issues (i.e. sucks her thumb and asks to sit on your lap), or punches holes in the walls to ‘let off rage’, then get this one over with – swiftly.
7. The hippy
You’ll fall hard for their musty dreadlock-swaying, non-conformist, free-loving, smelling-vaguely-of-wet-earth ways. Then they’ll dump you for a fellow vegan who’s actually read Bob Marley’s biography and you’ll wonder why you ever thought you’d miss the horrifying smell of the decomposing matter in their homemade indoor composter.
8. The angst-ridden hipster
He or she alternates between artsy cultured posing and hollow-eyed weeping over Nietzsche or Plath (never both). Go easy on the poor tortured soul.
9. The older man/woman
They’re impossibly self-assured, ooze confidence and seem so much more worldly than people your own age.But two things make this relationship unsustainable:
1. The vast world-experience chasm between you.
2. Your friends think it’s cool but sort of creepy, and they find it weird hanging out with you as a couple.