{"id":9961,"date":"2014-03-31T11:43:21","date_gmt":"2014-03-31T11:43:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/4cd.e16.myftpupload.com\/?p=9961"},"modified":"2014-03-31T11:43:21","modified_gmt":"2014-03-31T11:43:21","slug":"ways-to-stop-the-blame-game-and-resolve-conflicts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/2014\/03\/ways-to-stop-the-blame-game-and-resolve-conflicts\/","title":{"rendered":"Ways to stop the \u201cblame game\u201d and resolve conflicts"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"black-couple-arguing-620x400\"<\/a> While conflict seems to be a destructive force, it can actually help couples achieve lasting love.<\/div>\n

Most of us dislike conflict. Very few people were raised with healthy role models for dealing with differences. But while conflict may appear to be a destructive force in relationships, it can actually help us achieve lasting\u00a0love<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Author\u00a0Kate McNulty, LCSW<\/a>\u00a0writes \u201cDifferences can be a source of interest and fresh energy rather than cause us to dig in our heels and defend our positions.\u201d<\/p>\n

You will disagree, that\u2019s a given. But it\u2019s not arguing with your partner that\u2019s the problem, it\u2019s how your differences are resolved. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt because it\u2019s the price you pay for\u00a0intimacy<\/a>. In all\u00a0intimate<\/a>\u00a0relationships, conflicting needs for closeness and space exist.<\/p>\n

When issues come up with either of these needs, it\u2019s essential that you discuss them with your partner and find creative ways to compromise.<\/p>\n

Taking the time to\u00a0resolve conflicts<\/a>\u00a0with your partner in a healthy way is hard work \u2013 but the payoff is tremendous.\u00a0 It\u2019s essential that you accept differences rather than define your relationship problems in terms of your partner\u2019s character flaws, according to\u00a0Deborah Hecker, Ph.D<\/a>.<\/p>\n

She writes, \u201cTypically I define couples\u2019 problems in terms of differences between them rather than the defects in either partner. A focus on defectiveness leads to blame and accusations on the one hand and defensiveness on the other. Effective solutions are not likely to result.\u201d<\/p>\n

Every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict goes with the territory. Yet you might avoid conflict because it may have signified the end of your parents\u2019 marriage or led to bitter disputes. Marriage counselor, Michele Weiner Davis explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships.<\/p>\n

She posits that bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn\u2019t give your partner a chance to change their behavior. On the other hand, Weiner cautions that one of the secrets of a good marriage or romantic relationship is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones.<\/p>\n

Many of the women I interviewed for my book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/a><\/em>\u00a0identified feelings of vulnerability when it came to dealing with facing differences that arise between them and their partner.<\/p>\n

They might walk on eggshells because they grew up in families where healthy ways to resolve conflicts were not displayed. Sarah, age 28, was raised in a family where her parents managed conflicts poorly and experienced a bitter divorce.<\/p>\n

She strives to use a problem-solving approach with her\u00a0boyfriend<\/a>\u00a0Jason and to learn to manage their differences more effectively.<\/p>\n

According to relationship expert\u00a0Dr. Patricia Love<\/a>, it\u2019s important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you\u2019re in the right. Instead,\u00a0Love<\/a>\u00a0says, \u201cthink of winning an unofficial contest I like to call \u2018Who\u2019s the Bigger Person?\u2019 Resolving Conflicts is about who wants to grow the most and what\u2019s best for your relationship.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities. Yet after awhile, negative projections tend to surface and your partner may remind you of someone from your past.\u00a0 This could explain why some couples who seemed so compatible when they first got together, have more conflicts as time goes by.<\/p>\n

Hilary, age 34, explains how identifying her part in communication breakdowns with her husband, Dan, helped save her\u00a0marriage<\/a>. \u201cIn the past, I used to focus on what Dan was doing wrong until a good friend reminded me that I may want to try harder to communicate my feelings to him without blaming him.\u201d\u00a0 Hilary realized that she hadn\u2019t learned healthy ways of resolving conflicts from her parents who had loud, abusive arguments in front of her and her two younger siblings.<\/p>\n

Like all smart women, Hilary realizes that every relationship goes through rough patches and that it takes two people to contribute to the difficulties. Since she enjoys being married overall, Hilary decided to focus more on Dan\u2019s positive qualities \u2013 such as being a great father \u2013 rather than negative ones.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s when I noticed that I had a problem communicating.\u00a0 I expected Dan to know what I wanted without me telling him what I needed. When he failed, I\u2019d punish him with the\u00a0silent treatment<\/a>, or blow up. When I let go of my efforts to fix him, and started working on fixing myself, things began to get better,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0Take a risk and talk about hurt feelings<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 especially if it\u2019s an important issue. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed, but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting,\u00a0intimate<\/a>\u00a0relationship.
\n\u2022\u00a0Avoid building a case against your partner<\/strong>\u00a0and don\u2019t make lists of their flaws.
\n\u2022\u00a0Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude.<\/strong>\u00a0Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement.
\n\u2022\u00a0Use \u201cI\u201d statements rather than \u201cyou\u201d statements<\/strong>\u00a0that tend to come across as blameful. For instance, saying \u201cI felt hurt when you bought me that gift\u201d will work better than \u201cYou never buy me thoughtful gifts.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0Don\u2019t make threats or issue ultimatums.<\/strong>\u00a0Avoid saying things you\u2019ll regret later.
\n\u2022\u00a0Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded.<\/strong>\u00a0This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Sometimes it\u2019s best to \u201cdrop it\u201d in order to stop the \u201cblame game.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Source: Yourtango.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While conflict seems to be a destructive force, it can actually help couples achieve lasting love. Most of us dislike conflict. Very few people were raised with healthy role models for dealing with differences. But while conflict may appear to be a destructive force in relationships, it can actually help us achieve lasting\u00a0love. Author\u00a0Kate McNulty, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9976,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[51],"yoast_head":"\nWays to stop the \u201cblame game\u201d and resolve conflicts - Citi 97.3 FM - Relevant Radio. 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