I spoke with\u00a0Dr. Susan Weinschenk, Chief Behavioral Scientist at The Team W, Inc., an organisation that helps clients gain insights about behavioral science, and\u00a0Dr. Emma Sepp\u00e4l\u00e4, author of\u00a0The Happiness Track<\/em>, to find out more about how phones mess with people’s love lives. Here are 6 things to look out for:<\/p>\n 1. You feel neglected when your partner has their phone out, even if they’re \u201ctotally listening.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re very sensitive, especially in romantic relationships, about our prioritisation in the person\u2019s life,\u201d says Dr. Weinschenk. \u201cThe other person will say \u2018I\u2019m listening, I can listen, let me just check one message\u2019 and it really becomes a symbol of how present somebody is at the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n Obviously, even if your partner can repeat everything you just said verbatim, the fact that they were scrolling through their Twitter the whole time definitely drains you of feelings of closeness. \u201cIntimacy comes from being able to share authentically with another person,\u201d says Dr. Sepp\u00e4l\u00e4. \u201cIf you are looking at your phone rather than in your partner\u2019s eyes, there can be no intimacy.\u201d Or, at the very least, it sends the message that you think actively listening to them is as important as checking your notifications. Not great, either way.<\/p>\n 2. Your phone is ALWAYS on your mind, even when you don’t want it to be.<\/strong><\/p>\n Some of the most private moments couples have are in bed, yet checking your phone first thing when you wake up can definitely feel like\u00a0an involuntary impulse<\/span>. \u201cThere are actually a few things about smartphones that make it particularly easy for people to learn a conditioned response,\u201d says Dr. Weinschenk. \u201cYou put the phone near your bed and you use it as your alarm clock, you pick it up and it\u2019s this automatic reaction to checking your email, checking your texts, Facebook, Instagram, etc. It just becomes a habit that you do, without even realising that you\u2019re doing it.\u201d<\/p>\n On top of this being annoying to your partner who just wanted a morning spoon-fest, it also removes the sense of aloneness when you open up Instagram. According to a study by the\u00a0University of Chicago, the mere presence of a phone in the room causes a decrease in cognitive capacity and attentional focus, because you subconsciously worry about missed notifications. Which, of course, makes it hard to really\u00a0be\u00a0<\/em>with your S.O.<\/p>\n \u201cThe impact is that instead of waking up with just you, you\u2019re waking with 50 other people,\u201d says Dr. Weinschenk. \u201cYou feel like you\u2019re always sharing this person.\u201d<\/p>\n 3. You can feel genuinely hurt if your partner doesn’t text soon enough.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a lot of other subtext (no pun intended), like how quickly do they respond, \u2018I texted you right away and you didn\u2019t text back, what does that mean?\u2019,\u201d says Dr. Weinschenk. \u201cWhen people text, to them, it\u2019s very immediate, and if there isn\u2019t an immediate response, you kind of feel like you\u2019re being ignored.\u201d<\/p>\n If you\u2019re at a job where you can\u2019t check your phone, you have an acceptable excuse for not being prompt. But TBH, sometimes you just want to watch Netflix without maintaining an immediate back-and-forth convo with bae. Or honestly, you saw the text and forgot to respond. And vice versa. The immediacy of phones has us all expecting real-time communication, even when it’s not possible. Ultimately, this adds a difficult, specific type of stress that literally no generation of humans has ever dealt with.<\/p>\n 4. If you’re a strictly-texting couple, you miss out on higher levels of intimacy.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cAs social animals, we get a lot of information, consciously and unconsciously, from being able to see someone\u2019s facial expressions, for instance,\u201d says Dr. Weinschenk. \u201cWe also get it from touch \u2013 if someone gives you a hug, strokes your arm, that releases a chemical called oxytocin which makes you feel bonded to that person. We get a lot from the tone of voice, the way someone says something. And all of that is lost in a text, and some of that is lost in Skype or the phone, so you have these different levels of information.\u201d<\/p>\n It’s easy to feel like you’re always talking when you text, but actually calling your partner for a nightly recap and hearing their voice feels way more intimate, especially when you can’t be together IRL.<\/p>\n![\"iPhone\"](\"https:\/\/hips.hearstapps.com\/esquireuk.cdnds.net\/17\/04\/1485357984-1485343672-1485340182-iphone.jpg?crop=1xw:1xh;center,top&resize=768:*\" "\\"\\"")
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