While people generally strive towards building and maintaining a lasting relationship with the person of their dreams, all too often the relationship turns sour, for various reasons, and resentment, despondency, even depression may set in, negatively impacting on a person\u2019s mental health and wellbeing.<\/p>\n
Psychology of relationships<\/strong><\/p>\n Relationships have been part and parcel of mankind\u2019s social structure since the beginning of time. \u201cIt\u2019s part of our social being. The moment our basic needs are met and we have food, water and shelter, we want more. We want to connect. We strive to be part of our communities.<\/p>\n We want to be truly SEEN and accepted by the other. The beloved becomes our mirror\u201d explains Akeso Clinic Milnerton psychiatrist Dr Farzana Mohideen-Botes.<\/p>\n We want to connect. We strive to be part of our communities. We want to be truly SEEN and accepted by the other.<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes our yearning for idealised love, to be adored unconditionally, to be fully MET by our beloved is unrealistic. Our expectations set us up to fail. Often, we demand from our partners that which we needed (and perhaps didn\u2019t receive) as very young children. For infants, unconditional nurturing is essential for survival. If these needs are not met during our infancy and childhood then we continue to seek that absolute adoration and safety into adulthood. There is a little person inside the adult that is clamouring for all his\/her needs to be met. Often the children we were are pulling the strings in our adult relationships. Adults may still be searching for something as an adult that they actually needed as a young child. When people are aware of this, it becomes easier to grow in a mature adult relationship. We understand that our adult self is able to protect us, that we are able to complete ourselves and then invite others to share our space.\u201c<\/p>\n 1. Not in a box<\/strong> \u201cIt\u2019s different for everybody, but what most people agree on, is that it\u2019s not something fleeting or just sudden infatuation. Rather the feeling is more lasting, deeper and tender \u2013 which is good for the loved person.\u201d<\/p>\n 2. Essential components<\/strong> \u201cCouples who don\u2019t communicate well will struggle to resolve conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes communication needs to be taught and practised. Make space somewhere in the craziness of your life to be fully present with your partner, even if just for a few minutes every day. 20 Minutes of quality time will beat two hours of distracted time any day! Simple touch, eye contact and really listening bring couples closer. Invest in your relationship, make it a priority.<\/p>\n We forget that we need to be playing, have fun, laugh and have a sense of humour. Just to be able to play together is really important for any relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n 3. Intimacy<\/strong> Physical touch is important for bonding as it stimulates the release of oxytocin. This is the same hormone that is present during breastfeeding and thought to be important for mother child bonding. The more you touch the more oxytocin and the more loved you feel. \u201cI tell couples and families to: \u2018hug often and hug long\u2019,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n “Physical touch is important for bonding as it stimulates the release of oxytocin.”<\/p>\n In families with young children it is easy to focus solely on being \u2018good\u2019 parents and to forget to be partners and lovers too. Happy couples make for happy children, so prioritise your relationship with your partner, despite the dirty dishes, ton of laundry, and play dates and PTA meetings.<\/p>\n 4. Opposites or think-alikes?<\/strong> \u201cIn a healthy relationship there needs to be enough difference between the partners to keep it interesting; but enough similarities to keep it safe. It\u2019s like the excitement of a brand new world but also the comfort of your well-loved blankie. Studies show that couples who share the same value systems are more likely to stay together. The key to staying together really is growing together.\u201d<\/p>\n 5. Prioritise<\/strong> \u201cRelationships are like plants; they need nurturing. Spend time together, just be in the same space, do something you both love, make memories, switch off the laptop, put your phone away, and look up from Facebook. Go on dates. If your lives are busy, schedule date nights, diarise them. Take turns to arrange dates. They don\u2019t need to be expensive, go stargazing, have a picnic, and take a walk, just the two of you. Rekindle romance \u201c<\/p>\n Go on dates. If your lives are busy, schedule date nights, diarise them. Take turns to arrange dates.<\/p>\n 6. Alarm bells<\/strong> A feeling of loneliness is another tell-tale sign that something in a relationship is amiss. Couples sometimes \u2018lose\u2019 each other. They don\u2019t see themselves reflected in the \u2018mirror\u2019 of their loved one. That\u2019s the time to reconnect, tell your partner how you feel, \u2018invite\u2019 them back into your life. Unfortunately it is often a time that people seek comfort and support elsewhere. Energy that is given to others is energy that could have sustained the relationship instead.<\/p>\n 7. Impact on mental wellbeing<\/strong> Feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression are common in dysfunctional relationships. Individuals may engage in affairs or other reckless behaviour (e.g. abuse of alcohol or illicit drugs) which may cause further problems.<\/p>\n 8. Recovery<\/strong> Gather resources of support: family, friends, and support groups. Grieving the end of a relationship is normal and healthy. However, if you feel persistently depressed, worthless or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a mental health professional or even your local GP.<\/p>\n 9. Rebound<\/strong> Allow yourself time to mourn your relationship and to understand what caused it to fail. Get to know who YOU are and what YOU want before getting into another relationship. Unresolved relationship issues can follow you into new relationships if they are not resolved.<\/p>\n Allow yourself time to mourn your relationship and to understand what caused it to fail.<\/p>\n 10. Giving it a go<\/strong> In cases of infidelity, both people should be given the opportunity to express themselves. It is important that the unfaithful partner allow the other partner to express their pain and acknowledge it.<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes in cases where a partner in the relationship had an affair and the other partner is too afraid to lose the relationship, the infidelity is minimised, \u2018swept under the carpet\u2019, and it becomes the elephant in the room. Inevitably, resentment builds up and infects future interactions. Both parties should be allowed to speak their mind, acknowledge their guilt and take responsibility. The couple should decide together whether they are able and committed to healing their relationship.<\/p>\n Both parties should be allowed to speak their mind, acknowledge their guilt and take responsibility.<\/p>\n Two-way street<\/strong> A brief separation is often helpful and allows both partners time to mourn and introspect. Healing a relationship requires commitment and stamina but is also an opportunity to rediscover each other, regain each other\u2019s trust and breathe new life into an old relationship,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n \u201cTo love and to be loved in return, is a gift that should be cherished. To live a witnessed life with another frail, brave human being demands mutual respect, trust, compromise and compassion. The best way to learn to love another is to love yourself first,\u201d Mohideen-Botes concludes.<\/p>\n –<\/p>\n Credit: Capitalnews<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" While people generally strive towards building and maintaining a lasting relationship with the person of their dreams, all too often the relationship turns sour, for various reasons, and resentment, despondency, even depression may set in, negatively impacting on a person\u2019s mental health and wellbeing. Psychology of relationships Relationships have been part and parcel of mankind\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[354],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nAs it differs from person to person and couple to couple, there simply is no single definition for love and a solid relationship, she says.<\/p>\n
\nAccording to Mohideen-Botes, among the most important components of a lasting, healthy relationships are respect, friendship, compromise and trust. Communication is absolutely crucial for any healthy relationship, she adds. \u201cCouples who don\u2019t communicate well will struggle to resolve conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSexual intimacy is an important part of a loving adult relationship. In long-term relationships however, it is often a neglected part of a relationship. Life is busy and couples are often tired at the end of the day. Many couples admit to me that they have not had sex in weeks, or months. Prioritise time together, schedule dates, and include romance. Talk to your partner about your sex life. Be aware that boredom often sets in in long-term relationships and that this may encourage infidelity.<\/p>\n
\nAre opposite personalities, interests (\u201copposites attract\u201d) more conducive to a fulfilling, lasting relationship, or would similar interests be better suited?<\/p>\n
\n\u201cIt is easier to prevent a relationship breaking down than to fix it afterwards,\u201d Mohideen-Botes stresses.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cOne thing that stands out in an unravelling relationship is contempt for a partner. I often see this in my practice and it almost inevitably follows the trajectory of couples who don\u2019t touch often, don\u2019t make eye contact and don\u2019t do things together,\u201d says Mohideen-Botes.<\/p>\n
\nHealthy relationships affirm us, support us and heal us. Unhealthy relationships do the opposite.<\/p>\n
\nThe first thing you should do to deal with, and mentally recover from a broken relationship, is to commit to a lasting, kind, loving relationship with yourself, regardless if someone else is kind and loving to you, Mohideen-Botes advises.<\/p>\n
\nTo avoid plunging headlong into another relationship after the break-up with your partner, it\u2019s important just to stop for a while and be alone before moving on. Often people are uncomfortable with being alone and fall from one relationship into the next.\u201d says Mohideen-Botes.<\/p>\n
\nIn order to revive a broken relationship and \u2018give it another go\u2019, both parties need to be very clear about the reasons that caused the break-up. \u201cUnless they address the issues that got them into that position, they\u2019re going to be right back there \u2013 and very soon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nIn the final analysis, a relationship is a two-way street and both partners contribute to it, she stresses. \u201cOne may commit that the act of infidelity carried more responsibility, but there were also certain things in that relationship that were out of balance and which need to be addressed. Couples need to be aware that if they want the relationship to continue, both parties need to work at the issue and let it go. An affair cannot be used as a whip every time there is a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n