You\u2019ve been together forever. Moving to the \u201cnext level\u201d is clearly on the horizon, yet\u2026\u00a0those\u00a0doubts\u00a0have been bubbling just below the surface for as long as you can remember.<\/p>\n
Is this the guy you\u2019re meant to spend forever after with?<\/p>\n
Before he pops the question (um, or before you say yes, only to have regrets later), take a breather and listen up. Here are the four questions you should ask yourself, according to the relationship gurus.<\/p>\n
1. Am I saying \u201cYes\u201d to him\u2014or to a fantasy?<\/strong><\/p>\n You\u2019ve watched enough\u00a0Say Yes to the Dress<\/em>\u00a0to have gotten a taste of that grand bridal salon experience. But because women in the U.S. are often raised on happily-ever-after stories that end with a couple riding off into the sunset, we tend to aim for that sunset rather than carefully considering the relationship that comes before and, most importantly, after it, says Dr. Amelia Romanowsky,\u00a0a clinical psychologist.<\/p>\n She cautions women to first determine whether they\u2019ve left the \u201choneymoon phase\u201d of the relationship. \u201cOnly as partners move from the first phase of fantasy to more knowledge of their partner do they start to realize that love is a lot about moving from disconnection to repair,\u201d Romanowsky shares.<\/p>\n Have you had\u2014and respectfully resolved\u2014a disagreement? Have you talked about what you both want out of your futures? If not, task yourself with figuring out how you\u2019ll handle those real-life issues before you sign up for the long haul.<\/p>\n 2. Am I still waiting for him to change?<\/strong><\/p>\n You might have successfully trained him to drop his dirty towels in the hamper, but if he\u2019s a neo-conservative or a homebody\u2014those are things that probably aren\u2019t going to change. Ever. So, can you live with that for the rest of your life\u2014but more importantly, do you\u00a0want\u00a0to?<\/p>\n Remember: \u201cThe audition process should not go on forever,\u201d says Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of\u00a0Your Brain on Love<\/em>.\u00a0If you\u2019ve been with your mate for longer than a year, you should \u201cknow if your partnership is good enough to carry forward long into the future,\u201d he adds. \u201cPartners that still hold out because this or that feature they don\u2019t like still exists should give up trying to make the other partner change.\u201d<\/p>\n Keep in mind that if he\u2019s not interested in hearing your concerns, that\u2019s an issue, too. \u201cThe most important quality for a relationship to work is that both people are willing to work on themselves\u2014to take feedback and consider the other\u2019s perspective,\u201d Romanowsky says.<\/p>\n 3. Will my friends be excited he’s proposing?<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cThe beginning of all romantic relationships involves a neurochemistry that will shift once the relationship feels more permanent,\u201d explains Tatkin.<\/p>\n You might feel addicted, even obsessed with your new guy, and this feeling can last for over a year. Vetting your new guy with trusted friends and family is an essential safety check against your altered judgment.<\/p>\n \u201cWomen (and men, too) put themselves in jeopardy if they do not vet their partners with their social network,\u201d Tatkin says. \u201cYou might think that this is a personal decision whether or not to marry, and of course it is. But what other people think does matter, as the couple will have to exist within both partners\u2019 social networks. Plus other people can spot red flags in ways partners in love\u00a0may not be\u00a0able to see.\u201d<\/p>\n We\u2019ve all heard\u00a0My Best Friend\u2019s Wedding-style stories about relationship saboteurs who throw wrenches into love lives because of jealousy. But if your best friends who\u2019ve\u00a0always\u00a0had your back are telling you that they question his intentions or he\u2019s never\u00a0respected your feelings, that\u2019s important information you need to listen to.<\/p>\n If they aren\u2019t upfront about their concerns or can\u2019t quite put a finger on what\u2019s not right, ask them this: \u201cAm I myself when I\u2019m with him?\u201d They\u2019ll know if you\u2019re holding back or morphing into some other person in his presence.<\/p>\n 4. Are we committed to the same future?<\/strong><\/p>\n A crazy love affair is incredibly romantic\u2014in the movies. But IRL, you need to know who the two of you are as a couple.<\/p>\n Beyond love, attraction and common interests, it\u2019s the basic agreements you have as a couple that will allow you to protect each other going into the long future ahead, Tatkin asks. Attraction, common interests, and love can and will change as the years pass. But agreeing on certain things, like \u201cwe tell each other everything,\u201d will keep you bound.<\/p>\n But to know what agreements you want, you first have to know yourself. \u201cThe best relationships occur when two people are operating from a place of security and maturity,\u201d says Dr. Gail Gross,\u00a0a behavioral psychologist. \u201cFewer divorces happen with people who marry after the age of 28. The reason is that you change less.\u201d<\/p>\n Once you know yourself, it\u2019s time to sync up with your partner. \u201cMutuality,\u201d Gross tells us, \u201cis one of the most important ingredients for a happy relationship. Commitment, obligation and responsibility are central to mutuality.\u201d She urges you to ask if this person shares your values. \u201cIn reality, you can\u2019t have a relationship with someone who doesn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n Now, do sub-par answers to our impromtpu quiz\u00a0mean a breakup is imminent? Not necessarily. But they should, at the very least, encourage you\u00a0to evaluate whether you and your partner have what it takes to survive the challenges that will\u00a0come your way.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Source: Yourtango.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You\u2019ve been together forever. Moving to the \u201cnext level\u201d is clearly on the horizon, yet\u2026\u00a0those\u00a0doubts\u00a0have been bubbling just below the surface for as long as you can remember. Is this the guy you\u2019re meant to spend forever after with? Before he pops the question (um, or before you say yes, only to have regrets later), […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":139195,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[51],"yoast_head":"\n