{"id":138000,"date":"2015-07-27T10:43:57","date_gmt":"2015-07-27T10:43:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/4cd.e16.myftpupload.com\/?p=138000"},"modified":"2015-07-27T10:43:57","modified_gmt":"2015-07-27T10:43:57","slug":"7-ways-to-raise-a-child-who-actually-trusts-and-respects-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/2015\/07\/7-ways-to-raise-a-child-who-actually-trusts-and-respects-you\/","title":{"rendered":"7 ways to raise a child who actually trusts and respects you"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Kids can’t give what they don’t receive. So, start walking your talk, Mom and Dad.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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I’ve seen a\u00a0lot of social media posts lately claiming that\u00a0“kids today don’t have any\u00a0integrity or\u00a0respect!”<\/p>\n

I remember how hurtful it felt hearing statements like that said about my own generation when I was younger. Especially\u00a0when it was obvious that people chose<\/em> to focus only\u00a0on the bad, completely dismissing the good.<\/p>\n

Now, parenting two teenagers of my own\u00a0who are sometimes insightful and at other times angsty, I completely <\/em>understand how inciting their behavior is at times. I rely on memories from my own youth (and my own spectrum of good to not-so-good behavior)\u00a0as a reminder that I can change the pattern of how I choose to view (and then either condemn\u00a0or encourage) today’s youth.<\/p>\n

That’s the thing \u2014 as\u00a0adults, we get to choose what we focus on … and when we do, we perpetuate that focus\u00a0on\u00a0all the kids we interact with \u2014 whether they’re our own\u00a0or not. That\u00a0“black and white, good\/bad” approach, in which we choose a hurtful story (“kids have no respect”)\u00a0over a helpful one (“kids are still learning and often do show respect”),\u00a0damages<\/em> the relationship we have with our kids beyond measure.<\/p>\n

And this\u00a0negative mindset is especially harmful when we compound it with\u00a0“when we gave up the rod, we spoiled our children.” \u00a0Which typically has a lot more to do with whether or not kidsfear<\/em> their elders, and has\u00a0nothing at all to do with respect.<\/p>\n

Fear is an extrinsic motivator. Meaning, it only creates the behavior you desire when you’re present or they think they’ll get caught. The more room we give our kids to act and feelintrinsically<\/em> motivated by their own set of values and self-worth, the more impactful and longer lasting their thoughtful behavior will be.<\/p>\n

And here’s the hard part about parenting\u00a0\u2014 kids only develop\u00a0intrinsic motivation from a long process of “getting it wrong” so they can course correct,\u00a0come back to what they know is right, and solidify themselves in it. Slapping your kid doesn’t help them learn, but an opportunity topractice<\/em> does.\u00a0Here’s how you can help them do so along the way:<\/p>\n

1. Understand their developmental stage<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are various stages where kids are inherently self-absorbed, as well as, times when pushing boundaries is healthy.<\/p>\n

Not only are kids’ brains under-developed, brain\u00a0growth happens\u00a0in spurts … and\u00a0that cognitive electricity is haphazard and sloppy. As more mature wiring\u00a0develops, the mind often defaults to\u00a0relying on the amygdala first, which is emotional and impulsive.<\/p>\n

You may not think you’re expecting your kid\u00a0to exhibit adult-like behavior, but when you get angry at them for not thinking of others, you’re not thinking of them<\/em>. Thus, the hypocrisy you model shows your teen a false representation of how a mature\u00a0“adult” behaves.<\/p>\n

2. Meet them where they are<\/strong><\/p>\n

While kids probably aren’t juggling a million things outside of themselves (bills, in-laws, parenthood, etc), they are juggling a million things inside<\/em> themselves.<\/p>\n

They’re in a\u00a0quagmire\u00a0of\u00a0their own development and the pressure society places\u00a0on them toalways<\/em> be good, smart and successful is\u00a0so overwhelming that kids\u00a0live in a constant state of anxiety. They genuinely feel as though people lie in\u00a0wait around every corner,\u00a0just to catch them doing something wrong and judge them. It becomes an “always on” feeling, where they sense that peers, parents, siblings, teachers, clergy and strangers lurk in the shadows awaiting their screw ups \u2014 every\u00a0misstep makes them an ambassador for their entire generation as a “lost cause.”<\/p>\n

Your child’s struggles are\u00a0just as real as yours, they’re just different. Empathy and compassion for their struggle helps them trust you enough to at least talk about what’s going on in their world … and, if you’re lucky, they may even do a little listening, too.<\/p>\n

3. Admit your mistakes<\/strong><\/p>\n

We develop\u00a0empathy and grace primarily through our own\u00a0<\/em>mistakes (if we learn from them). So admit you’ve made some.\u00a0Like that time you hurt someone you love (when you didn’t know\u00a0you had the power to hurt them). We learn who we are<\/em> by learning first, who we’re not<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Tell your kids where you goofed up, when you were thoughtless or rude (to them and to others). Tell them how you felt about those blunders\u00a0then, and how you feel about them\u00a0now. What about when someone treated you poorly? How did you feel? How did you forgive?<\/p>\n

If you flew off the handle last night\u00a0\u2014 remember to apologize, right away. Tell your child\u00a0how you wish\u00a0you’d handled the situation\u00a0and what you plan to do\u00a0in future circumstances. Let them know that you’re human too and you still may not always get it right.<\/p>\n

4. Catch them doing good<\/strong><\/p>\n

Imagine how you’d feel if \u2014 no matter how hard you tried\u00a0to\u00a0demonstrate “good” behavior\u00a0\u2014\u00a0there’s always someone pointing out\u00a0how “bad” you are.<\/p>\n

Now imagine instead that\u00a0every time you turn around, someone is saying, “You did this right! And this<\/em> behavior is how you keep that mistake from happening again.”<\/p>\n

You’d\u00a0not only respect the encourager more, but you’d\u00a0go out of your way\u00a0to please them.<\/p>\n

Try catching yourself being good, too\u00a0and tell your child. Let them know that your first response was to get angry, until you realized a better way to handle the situation. Doing this is an ideal way to model what you’d like to see from your kids\u00a0(and gain their respect at the same time). Kids respect you more when they see you’re humble enough to do your own personal work, too.<\/p>\n

5. Set appropriate consequences<\/strong><\/p>\n

Punishment for punishment’s sake is merely punitive and not at all educational.<\/p>\n

For example, if a\u00a0tween doesn’t answer mom’s phone call and, as a result, receives a spanking or grounding;\u00a0she\u00a0learns\u00a0that people who are bigger and stronger can arbitrarily define “right” and “wrong” for her,\u00a0whether it aligns with her values or not. She also learns that she\u00a0wants to either be the bigger, stronger one so that she can lord power over others or she must cow-tow to those bigger and stronger than her at all costs\u00a0in order to feel safe. In other words, she’s afraid.<\/em><\/p>\n

That same tween who, instead, has\u00a0her phone taken away\u00a0for a number of hours (or days) learns the privilege of having a phone is one worth keeping and thus (with a little\u00a0loving guidance), how important connectedness and convenience are to her daily life. She’ll develop an intrinsic motivation (“I like to feel connected”) for being responsive to her parents without fear or defensiveness.<\/p>\n

6. Trust that they’ll find their way \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Let your kids trust their own instincts. Let them fail a lot while they’re young and the repercussions of mistakes are still small stakes. In the grand scheme,\u00a0it’s better that your child\u00a0fails a semester because you refused to harangue\u00a0them about their responsibilities, than fail at a job in adulthood when their\u00a0family and mortgage are on the line.<\/p>\n

Your child WILL stumble while learning responsibility and intrinsic motivation. Let them learn as early as possible. Modern life is changing quickly. Our kids will require more agility in life and business\u00a0if they want to succeed. Agility comes from a reliance on self<\/em>, not others.<\/p>\n

Encourage your child’s\u00a0willingness to think differently than you\u00a0\u2014\u00a0it’s not personal\u00a0\u2014\u00a0it’s growth!\u00a0Relate to their emotional state once they’ve realized their mistakes. And celebrate the victory you didn’t see coming, too!<\/p>\n

7. Understand their motives <\/strong>(or, at least\u00a0try\u00a0<\/em>to)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mindlessly agreeing\u00a0with you is NOT\u00a0your child’s\u00a0job. Thank goodness!\u00a0Can you imagine where we’d be if each generation had simply done what their parents asked, without reflecting on\u00a0their own values?<\/p>\n

Children who find a third option\u00a0when they’ve only been offered two aren’t trying<\/em> to slow you down, get on your nerves, or undermine your authority. They’re thinking of alternatives that might fit both of your needs in the equation. If you celebrate their innovative mind\u00a0they’re more likely to listen and respect your position.<\/p>\n

Kids today are more tolerant, less racist, more equality-minded, less violent, more growth oriented, more open, more authentic and more intuitive than any generation before.<\/p>\n

We can certainly teach them how to integrate into our “black and\u00a0white” world because they’re reliant on us for everything as they grow up.<\/p>\n

But at the same time, kids\u00a0teach us<\/em> how to integrate into their “shades of gray” world because we’re not an island unto ourselves and we’re going to rely on them<\/em> for a lot as we grow up, too.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Source: Yourtango.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Kids can’t give what they don’t receive. So, start walking your talk, Mom and Dad. I’ve seen a\u00a0lot of social media posts lately claiming that\u00a0“kids today don’t have any\u00a0integrity or\u00a0respect!” I remember how hurtful it felt hearing statements like that said about my own generation when I was younger. Especially\u00a0when it was obvious that people […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":115804,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[],"tags":[36,51],"yoast_head":"\n7 ways to raise a child who actually trusts and respects you - Citi 97.3 FM - Relevant Radio. 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