There are missing voices in the debate about what makes for good relationships: men\u2019s. Women share their needs but most men remain inscrutably tight-lipped. Fortunately, as a marital therapist, I\u2019ve spent 30 years teasing out men\u2019s feelings and helping them make sense of what they want. By sharing this knowledge, I hope to promote happy, smooth-running relationships. But, just as importantly, if you\u2019ve hit a bad patch, these insights can help explain why your husband has turned into a stranger and stop you descending into crisis.<\/p>\n
1. Men outsource their emotions to women<\/strong><\/p>\n We men have been brought up to act on, rather than examine our feelings. It doesn\u2019t mean that we\u2019re not capable of understanding our emotions but, on the whole, we\u2019ve outsourced their day-to-day management to our wife. She will remind us to phone our mum, interpret what\u2019s going on beneath the surface with our stroppy teenage daughter and come up with a strategy for defusing the rows. And if we have a real problem, such as depression or anxiety attacks, she will flag it up and send us off to one of the army of women in the caring professions.<\/p>\n Dangers of ignoring this truth What happens if the person we have the problem with is our wife? For example, we\u2019ve slipped down her priority list and feel taken for granted. In an ideal world, we would talk to her, but what if she feels attacked or dismisses our concerns? The typical man shuts down and hopes that if he pretends the problem doesn\u2019t exist, it won\u2019t. As this strategy is doomed to failure, he becomes prone to what seems to be \u2013 to his wife at least \u2013 irrational anger. What he can\u2019t say, because his wife hasn\u2019t sat down with him and helped him understand, is what he\u2019s annoyed about in particular \u2013 for example, her habit of contradicting him in front of the children. But more importantly, he gets annoyed with his wife for not making everything better and therefore not keeping her end of the marriage deal to \u2018tend his emotional life\u2019. In the worst cases, he starts talking to a woman at work and awards her the contract instead!<\/p>\n How to use this knowledge If a man repeatedly shuts down and refuses to speak, don\u2019t listen to his excuses about being too tired or work being stressful. This might be true \u2013 but only up to a point. He\u2019s angry with you about something. So ask him why, give him permission to be honest (\u2018I\u2019d rather know the truth\u2019) and imagine that every word he says is true because from where he stands it is.<\/p>\n 2. Men can\u2019t handle female anger<\/strong><\/p>\n If you have a son, you\u2019ll know how uncomfortable he gets when you lose your temper (because it seems the opposite of love). Obviously daughters don\u2019t like it either, but they have learnt more strategies for dealing with it from the constant falling out and making up with their friends at school. In contrast, if a boy falls out with his male friends in the playground, they fight and it\u2019s over and done with. Worse still, if he falls out with his sister or a female classmate, it\u2019s frowned upon to \u2018shout at a girl\u2019 and he has to swallow his upset. So when his mother gets angry, his only strategy for coping is to appease her (because she\u2019s probably the most powerful person in his life). When he becomes a teenager and needs to challenge his mum\u2019s dominance in his life, unless his dad sets a good role model for defusing female anger, he has no option beyond continuing to please.<\/p>\n Dangers of ignoring this truth If a man\u2019s default setting is to agree with the main women in his life \u2013 because that brings the \u2018quiet life\u2019 \u2013 he will end up feeling powerless. So to get his own way, he says \u2018yes\u2019 and later comes up with an excuse (\u2018I\u2019m going to have to work late so can\u2019t collect your mother\u2019) or seems to agree to your face (\u2018Of course I don\u2019t look at porn\u2019), then goes his own sweet way behind your back. Even though these tactics cause bigger rows in the middle-term, he has avoided your anger right now. In the worst cases, your relationship goes into a downward spiral, where his attempts to avoid your perfectly valid annoyance make you furious and he\u2019s walking on eggshells to avoid another explosion.<\/p>\n How to use this knowledge Challenge any too-easy agreement. Are you sure? What will be the impact on you? What you are trying to encourage is swapping being passive for being assertive. By this I mean you can ask, he can say no and you can both negotiate. When you\u2019re annoyed, don\u2019t hold it in \u2013 because it will leak out with rolled eyes, sighs and sarcasm. Or it will burst out and be vented (which women think is good because all the feelings are out there, but men find scary). So tackle the problems as they come up and report your feelings, by using this formula: I feel\u2026(for example, angry) when you\u2026(cancel at the last minute) because\u2026(I can\u2019t plan ahead). If you report soon enough and make it about something specific \u2013 rather than a long list \u2013 he will hear you, feel able to put his point and you can discuss everything as two adults (rather than critical mother and sulky child).<\/p>\n 3. Men believe in love more than women<\/strong><\/p>\n When you have children you are unlikely to let love rule your life. Men, however, believe in love with a capital L. After all, if he\u2019s going to hand over his emotional wellbeing to you, he really needs to believe in \u2018the power of love\u2019.<\/p>\n Dangers of ignoring this truth For men, love has to be everlasting to cope with handing a woman his heart (and his emotional life) and being terrified of being so vulnerable. So while you might think it doesn\u2019t matter if dates, romance and flirting drop down your list of priorities after having children, it matters a huge amount to him. Often men who have affairs tell me, \u2018It\u2019s not fair that I\u2019ve been labelled as the one who left because my wife left me years ago \u2013 for our children.\u2019<\/p>\n How to use this knowledge Guard couple time jealously and don\u2019t let your children\u2019s everyday needs trump it. Make certain that you have fun together at least once a month and a dirty weekend away once a year.<\/p>\n 4. Men in committed relationships think sex equals love<\/strong><\/p>\n Women get their needs for intimacy met in a variety of ways \u2013 including from friends and from raising children. They also show their love for their partner by caring in practical ways \u2013 such as tending to his emotional needs. Meanwhile, men put their emotional eggs in one basket (their relationship with their partner) and express their love through sex.<\/p>\n Dangers of ignoring this truth If your husband makes a move on you and you respond, \u2018You\u2019re only interested in my body\u2019, it\u2019s deeply upsetting for him. When you turn down an offer of sex, to him, you\u2019re also turning down his love. If you rarely or never initiate, he will think you don\u2019t fancy him. Therefore, while you will think a sexual dry spell is natural, he thinks you don\u2019t love him.<\/p>\n How to use this knowledge Learn to speak his love language and make physical touch a priority. Surprise him with a hug and, once in a while, show him you care by dressing up and seducing him.<\/p>\n 5. Men do things for really obvious reasons<\/strong><\/p>\n Men are simple creatures but, to quote one of our common complaints, \u2018women overcomplicate everything\u2019. So, for example, we leave our shoes in the hall rather than in the closet because we were distracted when we got home (and also we\u2019re a bit lazy!), but you can overthink our motives into being disrespectful. You can also take something else from another part of our life \u2013 such as buying some expensive sports equipment for ourselves \u2013 bolt the bits together and build a cast-iron case to blacken our character.<\/p>\n Dangers of ignoring this truth Not only can you catastrophise (such as turning being a mildly lazy sports nut into \u2018not caring about anybody but yourself\u2019), but your overthinking can also go in the opposite direction and mean you ignore the obvious \u2013 for example, that your husband is being unfaithful. Now you\u2019re minimising his strange behaviour (like putting a pin number on his phone), making excuses for his bad behaviour (coming home drunk at 2am) and telling yourself \u2018he\u2019s not that sort of guy\u2019. When you\u2019re forced to confront the truth about his infidelity, your overthinking can conclude he must have been in love with the other woman (when actually he just wanted sex).<\/p>\n How to use this knowledge Start by taking what he says at face value and, if it doesn\u2019t make sense, ask rather than interpret. Good questions start with why, what, how and when. Nod to encourage more details or repeat the last thing he said \u2013 this shows you are listening and interested. Draw him out by asking, \u2018Is there anything more?\u2019 Don\u2019t tell him what he\u2019s thinking or feeling, as this puts men\u2019s backs up. If it is something with a definite answer (for example, \u2018Are you having an affair?\u2019) it\u2019s fine to press for a reply, but if it is more open-ended (\u2018Why did you have an affair?\u2019), don\u2019t get exasperated if he says, \u2018I don\u2019t know\u2019. It\u2019s possible he hasn\u2019t come up with an answer himself. Give him permission to be confused: \u2018It would help me if you could show me your internal workings, so I don\u2019t guess and get it wrong.\u2019 In effect, you\u2019re helping him to listen to himself and take responsibility for his own feelings rather than outsourcing them and punishing you when you can\u2019t mind-read.<\/p>\n Source:\u00a0dailymail.co.uk<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There are missing voices in the debate about what makes for good relationships: men\u2019s. Women share their needs but most men remain inscrutably tight-lipped. Fortunately, as a marital therapist, I\u2019ve spent 30 years teasing out men\u2019s feelings and helping them make sense of what they want. By sharing this knowledge, I hope to promote happy, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":121040,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":[],"jnews_primary_category":[],"jnews_social_meta":[],"jnews_override_counter":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[51],"class_list":["post-121035","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-ports"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121035","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=121035"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/121035\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/121040"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=121035"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=121035"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/citifmonline.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=121035"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}